Connection
by Etana1
Summary: Drabble set in the aftermath of the Season 3 finale. Kate tries to process all that's happened and comes to some realizations of her own.


Kate could see Castle across her hospital room, standing near the door behind the crowd of well-wishers who had entered her room. He was a strange mix of dapper and rumpled, his suit jacket gone and his previously crisp black dress shirt was untucked and wrinkled. His eyes looked utterly haunted and she couldn't understand the distance he'd put between them.

Esposito was saying something to her and she forced herself to focus. The drugs made it feel like she was dragging her mind through molasses.

"There was no shortage of cops to comb the area," he was saying, "but we never found the shooter. Bastard used some kind of remote sniper rifle. Very high tech. I'm guessing paramilitary, not that we got a good look at it."

"Yea, that was the craziest part," Ryan put in. "The thing exploded when we got close to the tombstone. Not a big bang, but enough turn their gadget into scrap."

"So, no prints…" Kate murmured. "No evidence."

"We're gonna get these guys," Esposito told her firmly. "You make no mistake."

Kate nodded. The meds made her head feel like it was floating on her shoulders. Did she look as silly as she felt?

The nurse seemed to notice though. "Alright boys," she said. "I think she's had enough for now."

They began to file out. First was Martha with a shaken Alexis still hanging on her arm. Josh bent and kissed her cheek, promising he'd be there if she needed him. He then began speaking in hushed tones with her attending doctor as they left the room. Then her Dad reached over and squeezed her hand before following Esposito out. Castle was moving toward the door as well, but more slowly. He still hadn't said anything to her and she wished he would. She needed to know he was okay.

Lanie was saying her goodbye now too. She kissed Kate's forehead with tears in her eyes. "I'm so glad you're okay, honey," she said fiercely.

Ryan had moved up her other side, taking her hand briefly to squeeze it. Then, noticing the nurse was distracted, he said quietly, "Do you remember anything?" he asked. "Anything at all?"

Kate shook her head, "I remember giving the eulogy," she said. "I remember hearing the shot, but after that though, it's just bits and pieces."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Castle crumple a little. He was still too far away, so she said, "I do remember Castle pulling me to the ground though."

Kate saw him flinch under the brief assault of that memory. She watched him push it away, shuttering his pain behind that half smile of his. Had it always hidden so much?

"Not quick enough this time," he said quietly.

"No one expects you to be faster than a speeding bullet," Kate replied, hoping to draw him in with a bit of their old banter. "You aren't Superman, after all."

Castle's smile quirked again, but it didn't reach his eyes. Ryan was being shooed out by the nurse and Castle followed. "I'll be right outside," he promised and then he was gone.

Lanie moved to go as well, but Kate caught her arm. "Lanie, wait," she said. The sudden movement had made pain blossom in her chest and both Lanie and the nurse looked at her with concern.

"You need your rest, detective," the nurse chided her gently.

"Please, this will only take a moment," Kate assured the nurse. "I just need a moment with her."

The nurse nodded before collecting her clipboard. "Only a moment though," she said, as she collected her clipboard and left the room.

Lanie's brow furrowed with concern. "What is it, sweetie?" she said once they were alone.

"Is Ri-… is Castle alright?"

"Castle? He's fine. Honey, you're the one with-…"

Kate shook her head, "He's not fine. I've never seen him look..." She couldn't even find the words. Her anxiety was pushing her up through the haze of the drugs. It was making her more clear-headed than she had been before, but it also meant that pain in her chest had settled into a scatter of throbbing embers over her heart.

"You scared him, that's all," Lanie said, trying to soothe her. "You scared all of us, but him most of all."

"He's blaming himself," Kate told her. "He's out there right now writing a hundred stories in his head. Half of them better, half of them worse. You need to go out there and make him-…"

"Honey, honey," Lanie said, running a hand up and down her arm. "Are you sure you don't want me to just go out there and get him? You can tell him all this yourself and he might actually believe it if it were coming from you."

Kate sighed. She shut her eyes, pressing her free hand against her forehead. The IV needle tugged at her skin and she found herself wincing again.

"Kate?"

"He said he loved me," Kate whispered at last.

She felt Lanie's hand freeze on her arm in shock. Kate knew how she felt.

"He said that?" Lanie asked when she found her voice.

Kate nodded, "Just after I was shot."

It was crazy, she knew. It felt so stupidly high school to be lying in a hospital bed with a hole in her chest but fixated on something as sappy as Rick… as Castle… professing his love. It wasn't just the words though. She'd had men say those words to her before, although she'd very rarely returned the sentiment. In the few times she had, she'd quickly learned that these men didn't hold those words nearly as sacred as she did. Then again, how many men had she ever met who truly understood what it meant to have a "one and done"?

But Rick… the way he'd looked at her. Kate had never seen him so desperate, so fragile. He had been hovering over her, trying to hold her together, when he was the one that looked like he was going to fly apart.

"Kate?" Lanie's brow was furrowed again.

"Hmm?"

The other woman shook her head. "Never mind," she said. "You need to rest."

"No wait," Kate told her. "I just drifted for a moment. What were you going to say?"

Lanie smiled. "Honestly, I don't know what to say. A big fat I-Told-You-So seems to be in order though."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Oh please, all this time you've just been saying we should jump into bed together. You never said anything about-…"

"Would you have believed me if I had?"

Kate considered that. "No… I guess not…"

"You need to talk to him."

Anxiety settled over Kate like a blanket and she bit her lip. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"It's… it's complicated. I mean, Josh… and…"

"It's not complicated," Lanie told her sternly. "You have spent the last three years trying to make it complicated, but I'm telling it's not."

Kate shook her head. "I will. Just… not now."

"Let me put it another way," Lanie said. "Richard Castle is sitting out in that waiting room right now in the same clothes he's worn for the past twelve-hours or more since you were shot. Since they're black no one's really noticed the blood on them, although I sure as hell could smell it and I'm sure he can too."

"Lanie, at least make him change… make him leave and…"

"He won't leave," Lanie said. "He's too scared to leave and, as badly as he wants to, I think he's even more scared to come in here."

Kate felt a different kind of pain blossom in her chest. She wanted him here. She wanted to reach out and touch him. Touch his hand, his face. She wanted to erase the blame from his eyes. She wanted to see them dance with mirth again. She wanted to see them filled with that innocent joy he once had… the innocence that working with her seemed to have stripped him of forever.

"Are you still here?" the nurse was back, hands on her hips. "C'mon, whatever it is can wait."

Lanie nodded and then leaned in. "You love him too, Kate," she whispered. "He's just as scared as you are right now, I promise you."

Then Lanie was gone. The nurse adjusted her IV and moments later sleep claimed her.

* * *

><p>It was still dark when Kate awoke again. The light of the street lamps from outside her window filtered through the blinds drawing lines of light and shadow upon the walls. They rippled over the form that sat in the chair beside her bed. Even in the dim light, she knew who it was. She would've known even in pitch darkness.<p>

Rick was slouched over, his head lying on her bed pillowed on his crossed arms. Someone had finally made him change clothes. She could make out that he was wearing a light coloured t-shirt now and she found herself wondering if he would be too cold. Couldn't someone have found him a blanket? A cot? Why wasn't someone taking care of this man who was always so eager to take care of everyone else around him?

Kate shook her head. Here she was, lying in bed with a gunshot wound and she was worried that Rick might catch a little chill. What was wrong with her?

His head was inches from her hand. Without conscious thought, Kate lifted her hand and stroked his hair. He'd always had such nice hair. Hell, he'd always had such nice _everything_, but she had kept that thought at arms-length for so long.

She'd kept him there too. It had always seemed so complicated, so many reasons that she shouldn't do what she was doing right now. Yet, in the stillness, Kate found she couldn't stop herself. She couldn't stop remembering how he'd looked when he'd cradled her against him as the life had bled from her. In that moment, all Kate had wanted was just a little more time. Three years and how much time had been wasted tangled in notions that seemed so startlingly simple now.

Rick stirred and Kate slowly pulled her hand away. He raised his head and looked at her. She read the confusion in his eyes. He'd felt her touch and through their unspoken connection Kate could feel him asking her why.

"I love you too," she whispered. The words had risen out of her so gently that she hadn't realized she'd said them until their sound filled the space between them.

He blinked. Perhaps he thought he was still dreaming. Kate half wondered it herself until he reached out and took her hand in his. Rick pressed his lips to her knuckles. Kate realized he didn't know what to say and smiled. She'd rendered her writer speechless. She would have to tease him about that later.

"Do you need anything?" he asked finally. His voice was hoarse, like he hadn't used it in days.

Just you, Kate wanted to say, but she felt oddly shy under his gaze. Instead she shook her head and squeezed his hand. Maybe he'd understand what she meant.

Rick seemed to and just nodded. "Everyone is getting a bit of sleep, but they'll be back in the morning."

"You should sleep too," she said quietly.

"I did… I was…" he protested, "…until I felt the feather-light touch of angels in my hair."

"Angels? Really?"

"You're right," Rick conceded, "too much. I'm a little off my game right now."

"Mm, probably best you don't try to write for a few days," Kate agreed. "Who knows what might pop out… unless of course you want to try your hand at bad poetry."

"Not unless it's dirty limericks. Maybe you'd like to hear about the lady from Nantuckit?"

Kate smirked, "Another time, perhaps."

His thumb was still sweeping in soft arcs across her knuckles, rubbing the kisses he'd pressed there earlier deeper into her skin. Their confessions had not been forgotten, but Kate realized that neither of them was very good with words—ironic given one of them at least was a professional wordsmith. She could still feel him though; feel that connection humming through them as it always did. It was that strange bond that allowed them to finish each other's sentences when building theory or have those simultaneous moments of insight that seemed to disturb their colleagues just a little.

But words… they were actually never very good with words.

"You should sleep, Kate."

She nodded and he raised himself up so that he could press a chaste kiss upon her forehead. Chaste however was not what Kate wanted. Not now. Not after everything that they had been through.

As he moved to draw away, she cupped his jaw with her hand. He looked down at her and she saw that fragile look in his eyes again. Kate had always thought of herself as the broken one; the one who could never hope to hang on to such a bright star as Richard Castle—rich, handsome, charming Richard Castle who seemed to move in a universe so far beyond her own. But there was more to him than that one-dimensional character she'd believed him to be when they first met, just as there was more to her than the fierce, independent cop that she wanted the world to see.

Gently Kate drew him to her. Their kiss was gentle, passionate. She felt their bond light up like a Christmas tree and knew that even if they always struggled to find the words, they would have this. She could taste his guilt, his shame, intermixed with a love unlike anything he'd ever felt before… no, allowed himself to feel before. Lanie had been right though, she could feel his fear as much as his passion, fear of her pushing him away as much as for her dying in his arms.

So Kate reached down inside herself, past the gunshot wound that still burned and into a corner of her heart where she'd always kept Richard Castle. She pushed that part of her into their connection and hoped that he'd hear her, hoped that he'd understand.

I'm sorry.

I'm here.

I love you too.


End file.
